I Hate You--Don't Leave Me: Third Edition: Understanding the Borderline Personality

I’ve been meaning to reread this for a long time and am so glad I did. I found it hugely informative and relatable (to those with BPD like me) Fascinating that up to 6% of Americans exhibit primary symptoms of BPD although many studies suggest this figure is an underestimate. In most cases BPD is a secondary diagnosis such as alcoholism, anorexia, depression, psychosis, bipolar, anxiety and so on. I was diagnosed with depression in the UK. And it is officially recognised as a major mental health problem in America today. The author calls it ‘a modern-day plague.’ There were some interesting I nuggets of nsightssuch as the fact that many BPDs have decreased sensitivity to acute pain (such as self-inflicted) but high sensitivity to chronic pain. Also that BPD exists on a spectrum of course, with many possible permuations. Another reason it’s not easy to diagnose. The book gives a sensitive but clinical in-depth analysis of the condition of BPD with a large chunk of it reassuringly devoted to how to heal. Because healing is definitely possible when the pwBPD becomes aware they have a problem – usually because of some crisis situation. Knowledge is power and I believe this book will help those with BPD and their loved ones to understand and therefore seek a cure. I highlighted around a thousand words of the book and even (rather obsessively!) copied out the quotes in a word document so I could re-read it at my leisure – it was that good and more importantly – that helpful.

I would recommend to anyone who is or knows someone with BPD

Great read

This book saved me when I was suspected of having BPD. I went straight to panic mode . I thought about BPD was do negative however this book helped me to see it differently & to change possibly mask some of my symptoms

I’ve not completed the book yet, but it’s fascinating reading. It highlights the things ‘you just take as a given’ that to the BPD person is a mamouth task, or how how a throw away comment that you felt insignificant, is a monumental moment in his or her week.

Really useful tool to help understand borderline personality disorder

I would recommend this book to anyone who cares for someone with bpd

Half way through and I'm absolutely relating to it and finding it riveting.

I picked this up because I wanted something straightforward and practical, not another sensationalized “BPD horror story.” This book actually delivers. It’s clinical without being cold, honest without being cruel, and structured in a way where you genuinely understand the disorder instead of getting lost in psych jargon. The authors explain what’s going on underneath the volatility — the attachment issues, the trauma, the emotions that swing harder than most people expect. Once you understand the “why,” the behavior stops feeling random. The book also does a good job separating the person from the disorder, which keeps you from slipping into the “good vs. evil” mindset that a lot of online conversations fall into. ⸻ What helped the most The communication framework (SET-UP) This was the most useful part for me. Instead of giving unrealistic advice like “just be patient,” it gives a structure for how to talk to someone with BPD without escalating things. You actually walk away with something you can use the same day. The breakdown of symptoms It explains identity instability, abandonment panic, emotional shifts, impulsivity, and relationship patterns without judgment. It’s objective but still empathetic. Case studies They’re simple, but they help connect the dots when you’re reading through the more technical sections. ⸻ What to know going in This book is not a cure or a shortcut. It won’t magically “fix” anyone, and it definitely isn’t written to demonize people with BPD either. It’s more like: here’s what’s going on, here’s how therapy approaches it, and here’s how you can keep interactions from spiraling. If that’s what you’re looking for, it’s perfect. ⸻ Pros • Clear, digestible explanations of BPD without sensationalism • Gives actual communication tools • Updated research + modern understanding of the disorder • Good balance between clinical info and real-life examples • Easy to reference if you’re supporting someone ⸻ Cons • Some chapters feel a little old-school in tone • It’s a lot of information — not a one-sitting read • Doesn’t replace therapy for either person ⸻ Final thoughts If you’re trying to understand someone in your life who has BPD — or you just want to understand the patterns and psychology behind it — this is worth reading. It’s grounded, respectful, and actually helpful. I walked away feeling like I understood the disorder instead of taking it personally or guessing in the dark.

I bought this at the suggestion of Prof.Dr. Anil Kumar of "Manasa", the Head of Psychiatry at Ernakulam Medical College. This is a great book, and apart form seeing the Borderline Personality as an individual issue, the authors have highlighted it as a societal issue in Chapter 4, titled "The Borderline Society", explaining how our current culture and practices and outlook along with expectations can affect our mental health in a negative way and can make us sick. It explains how child abuse, increasing divorces, the frequent moves associated with work or otherwise, and the permissive child-rearing practices are creating a society with more individuals who are sick and can limit the "progress". Highly recommended for the lay person and professionals!

Very nice book and easy to read

Bra bok om Borderline och hur det är att leva med det.

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