Mating in Captivity

This is a really, really great book on navigating relationships and is great for both couples and singles. Based on the title you may think it is all about sex. However, to me, it is all about maintaining "who you are" and a healthy amount of independence or distance within the relationship so that the spark and passion stays strong between you. A spark doesn't happen without a bit of distance that it can arc across. This is true for passion and interest in relationships too. The book is written by a European who has been living in the U.S. and working as a therapist here for years. Through her background she has identified key issues in the way we handle relationships in the U.S. that are actually killing the passion. It does also discuss the differences between one partner and another in relation to passion, sexual interest, and general interest and gives suggestions on how to find a workable plan if those differences aren't changeable. The author discusses how our U.S. culture encourages complete enmeshment with our partners - so there are no secrets, no boundaries, nothing personal or private away from your partner. The problem with this is that you need to keep your individuality intact in order for a relationship to keep it's spark. It is our differences, the mystery of the "other" that creates passion. Without this you'll be hard pressed to have passion in your relationship. If you do everything with your partner, what new do you have to discuss and share? If you are in the bathroom while your partner does their most unpleasant business, how do you then turn around and see them in a passionate way? (my example, not the author's) This enmeshment is not common abroad. It is better understood overseas that you need to maintain independence and a level of mystery in order to keep passion burning. Significantly more marriages fail in the U.S. than abroad and perhaps this is why. By keeping your independence and NOT being an open book who does nothing without your partner you maintain the mystery and interest needed for passion. A passionate marriage is a happy and fulfilling marriage. Don't give up your favorite things or your activities with friends. Make time to go out with your best friends without your partner. Did you have a favorite activity pre-partnership that you never do anymore? Go do it - alone or with friends. Don't make every activity be with your partner - it's just too much. Then, when you come together you have different things to share, unique experiences and that difference, the mystery is intact. The author explains this whole concept so much better than I do - you really must read this book. I'd say it is my favorite book on relationships - and I read tons of books on that kind of thing(I'm in a doctorate of psychology program). There are, of course, individual differences in passion levels, sexual interest levels, and personal activity levels as well. These differences, and how to find a workable plan to satisfy those differences, are also discussed in the book. Essentially it tells you how to optimize the passion and interest, and then work from there to find a place that meets both partner's intimacy level needs. Summary: The U.S. has a different perspective on how relationships ought to be compared to abroad. The U.S. also has a significantly higher rate of divorce and relationship unhappiness. The premise of this book is that we become too enmeshed with our partner and lose our individuality. This kills passion, which needs difference and mystery to exist. This is understood abroad and relationships are handled differently there. The book demonstrates this theory through easy to read client examples and offers suggestions on how to return independence and passion to a relationship.

very interesting book, if you are in relationship or consider to be in one, read it.

The author is a European, kink-and-alternative-lifestyle-friendly relationship therapist. It was quite refreshing to have her non-judgmental viewpoint on most issues of sexuality. She maintains throughout the book that in order to develop intimacy between two people, there needs to be some separateness. Which is a problem in this American society where our mate is supposed to be everything to us. There's a struggle in finding another person erotic and sexy when there's too much comfort and security. She supports her claims by providing case studies of her clients, whose information has been made anonymous. She'll outline their problems, help them examine them in depth and then try to guide them toward a solution without making a moral issue of their behaviors, actions or desires. She has some great ideas all around, especially when it comes to the fact that sexual fantasies are absolutely nothing like any other non-sexual fantasies and daydreams people have. With a typical daydream, you fantasize about what you want. A sexual fantasy is not so straightforward. I was a bit troubled when I got to her brief chapter on non-monogamy. Though she doesn't seem opposed to it, she also strikes me as alarmingly supportive of monogamy, or at least emotional monogamy. She is very open to the idea of sexual trysts outside a committed relationship, but with all the talk of maintaining a separate sense of self to keep intimacy alive between couples, I'm actually a bit shocked that she doesn't explore polyamory *at all*. Those bits aside, I found it a thoughtful and helpful book, confirming a lot of conclusions I'd long ago made about sex and intimacy.

I was introduced to this book by my current soon to be husband. I'm not the best at communication and I have a hard time understanding relationships in general. This book is absolutely wonderful and insightful. I actually finished it in one sitting! I wish I was fortunate enough to be in a position to meet you. My only concern is I hope the working relationship between Naomi and John stays intimately professional and professionally intimate. It would be a shame if either one had to leave the company and workplace due to awkwardness. I'm sure that's the last thing Catherine would want.

This book is so well written, I cannot even begin! Holy cow is Esther Perel brilliant, kind, thoughtful and passionate. Her schooling scintillates and her language simmers. It is clear she has complete command of her subject and is dedicated to improving the lives of couples. The way she writes and educates brings back love to relationships. This is a book everyone should read and study.

I wish I had read this earlier!

The author has a captivating writing style, even though as some mentioned it can be a little bit of a word salad. I found her insight into what cultivates desire very interesting and thought provoking. There are some nuggets in this book, however don't expect it to have all the answers. I think the author is failing to acknowledge the biological gender differences in this book, and puts too much emphases on inclusivity and every erotic hang up to be rooted in some dysfunction from parental relationship with their children. Statistically we know women are 3 times as likely to experience loss of libido in a long term relationship as compared to men. And many of these women had healthy relationships with their caretakers as children so this theory doesn't fit all. Aside from that, the author has some knowledgeable observations on what cultivates desire. From an application standpoint, the book does not have a lot of practical advice. It reads more like psychology material and theorizes; it's geared for understanding, not necessarily solving.

Se state valutando l'acquisto di questo libro vuol dire che il sesso non è del tutto soddisfacente nel vostro rapporto di coppia. Invece, andrebbe letto anche dalle coppie che non hanno alcun problema, perché fornisce una serie di concetti e indicazioni che valgono per tutti. La cosa che più ho apprezzato è il rifiuto dell'approccio prevalente secondo il quale il buon sesso è una conseguenza dell'intimità: curando quest'ultima, il primo verrà da sé. Nulla di più sbagliato, perché la passione, come spiega benissimo l'autrice, nasce dalla lontananza e non dalla vicinanza. Per me e mia moglie è stato utilissimo, soprattutto per spingerci a valutare le questioni tra di noi con uno sguardo nuovo.

I found this book helpful, after 35 years of marriage you would be surprised what YOU DON'T KNOW! It will bring that 'spark' back into an otherwise 'stale' bedroom. If your love life isn't what you want it to be, then this book is a must read WITH your partner (or, read it first and make BIG HINTS that he should read it as well). This book will bring the spark and magic back into your sex life, unless he's dead, things should improve greatly. Loved the title, and people who are shy don't have to wrap it in a paper bag to read it... those that are a bit on the shy side will also appreciate the authors' candor and clarity. Highly recommend this if you are married, single, divorced, or just starting out.... it covers all bases and is useful at ANY age! I rate this book highly.....

Read this book and you learn about the the difficulties of maintaining an erotc relationship with your partner. Its a great book witha lot of examples. A great mention was how our society perceives monogamy and how unfair it can be at times - a woman who marries, divorces, has relationships, re marries is considered monogamous if she is exclusive to one man in that period of time. But a guy in a 10 years relationship with only one woman, he has one fling - and the society throws rocks at him. Makes you think.....

This books has two major upsides for me : Firstly, it's packed with interesting and intuitive information that I personally felt made sense as I read it (and is also backed up by the author's research, obviously). It ditches the all too common relationship/libido step by steps instructions (fixing your relationships in 10 easy steps blabla...). Even though there are great books in this category (Jon gottman for instance), Perel instead explains simply some concepts about desire, sexual needs, and the way they can get messy with relationships. Don't be afraid, this book isn't gonna tell you that monogamy isn't a viable option, or that wanting passion in a 30 years old marriage is childish, or that you need to mature and that your cravings are a sign of something unhealthy. Instead, it celebrates them. She celebrates desire, and the magic that happens in a long term relationship when you manage to attain both sensuality and the warmth of safety. The stuff she covers is truly fascinating and eye opening about our own bias, fears and how the society we built triggers all of them. If you think that you lost interest in your partner because "you know them by heart" "you can't desire what you have" etc, boy, you're in for a ride that'll make you requestion what baggage and coping mechanisms and you are bringing to this relationship. And if you're tired of forcing yourself to have sex to please your partner and feeling both like you're not performing good enough for them, and like you're dysfunctional, this is not one of these books that'll tell you to push yourself harder. Secondly, the prose is beautiful, both simple and easily readable, while managing to stay lyrical with gorgeous vocabulary, which I enjoy as a non-english reader (hey, even when you're bilingual, simple prose is still better to read when your brain is fried after a long day). I do think she writes beautifully, and she also interwines her concepts with case studies, including a lot of dialogue that you most likely will relate to. It really lets the book breathe and makes her points shine. One last thing : she does talk about mostly american couples and speak of how Europe is different, and while it is true that we are - slightly - more open about sex, I disagree with the reviewer who said her points didn't match European behavior. Her points are based partly on education, culture, fears, bias and other deeply personal stuff. The thing is that nowadays, in first world countries such as, well, all Europe, america, etc, we've reached a point where culture has mingled and mixed up a lot. Her points don't contradict European culture, firstly because Europe's original culture is far from that idealized sex free and intellectual people, and also because her specific points apply just right to the specific "puritan but hedonist" culture, which is now everywhere in the world where there's been religion and also enough money to fill the hedonist pool. If you think this book only applies to americans, honestly, look around you. Overall, amazing book, would recommend. :)

Great book with a different outlook. Depending on how you read it and what you read it for: -you can gather ideas of what to do differently in your relationship -might help you understand why you have certain thoughts and feelings -might help put your partner's ideas into perspective. -might open your eyes to situations you didn't know existed... -and much more. Super enjoyed reading it. It wasn't what I expected at all. Author goes into details about other couples or situations she has faced in her office-- but if you are smart in your reading, you're able to gather new information and helpful hints for what is applicable to you and your reasoning for reading, even if it's just for leisure reading.